Deciphering Blurbs & Reviews - Romance Fiction

A recent Araucaria cryptic crossword puzzle used the following handy guide to deciphering publishers' blurbs.  Prepared by the novelist Sarah Harrison for Slightly Foxed (#27), this list is clearly most relevant to general British fiction, the stuff vying for the Booker Prize, for example:

If the blurb says Enchanting, it means there's a dog in it
Heart-warming: a dog and a child
Heart-rending: they die
Thoughtful: tedious
Thought-provoking: tedious and hectoring
Haunting: set in the past
Exotic: set abroad
Prize-winning: set in India
Perceptive: set in NW3 [Northwest London, i.e., Hampstead Heath & environs]
Epic: the editor was cowed by writer's reputation
From the pen of a master: same old same old
In the tradition of: shamelessly derivative
Provocative: irritating
Spare and taut: under-researched
Richly detailed: over-researched

But that's no use to us, is it?  So in the tradition of Ms. Harrison, here's my shamelessly derivative list for romance novel blurbs and reviews:

Page-turner: You can't wait for it to end
Fast-paced: It ends too soon
Lengthy: You can't make it through the sagging middle
Excitement/tension/passion builds: Flabby opener
Satisfying conclusion: All excitement/tension/passion dies by the end
Simple yet stylish prose: Written at a third-grade level
Simple yet sensual prose: But don't let your third-graders get their hands on it
Steamy: You might blush while reading it
Scorching: Best read in private or on an e-reader
Erotica: Best read at home and alone

There are some terms that get used with the specific genres --
For contemporaries:

Lighthearted: You won't care about the characters
Enchanting:  Unrealistic situations
Hilarious: Characters behave like idiots
Unexpected: Characters have nothing in common
Sweet: No sex
Sensual: They have euphemistic sex
Hot: They have non-euphemistic sex

For historicals:

Unconventional:  Would never have happened in real life
Charming:  Only historically accurate element is the clothing
Traditional: You've read it all before
Cheerful: No research was done
Serious: A lot of research was done
Painstaking: You'll feel like you're in history class
Tortured past: Hero has an excuse for bad behavior
Madcap: Heroine has an excuse for bad behavior

For paranormals & urban fantasy:

Defies conventions: Vampires or werewolves in name only
Elaborate world building: There is no logic to the story
Compelling subplots: You'll skip over these entirely
Latest in a series: $$$$
Matter of life & death: Everyone survives to appear in the next installment

For suspense and thrillers:

Twists and turns: Plot makes no sense
Explosive revelations: The ending makes no sense
Satisfying conclusion: You predicted the ending from the beginning
Fast-paced: Can't tell what's going on so just keep reading
Solitary: There's a good reason why the hero has no friends
Enigmatic: The hero's backstory makes no sense
Ruthless:  In real life, the hero would be in jail.  For life.
Dangerous: The hero's as likely to kill the heroine as make love to her
Strong: The heroine is an idiot
Vulnerable: The heroine will do everything necessary to keep herself in jeopardy
Virginal: You bought the thug-as-hero, so you'll buy the virgin-in-her-20s-heroine