If the blurb says Enchanting, it means there's a dog in itBut that's no use to us, is it? So in the tradition of Ms. Harrison, here's my shamelessly derivative list for romance novel blurbs and reviews:
Heart-warming: a dog and a child
Heart-rending: they die
Thoughtful: tedious
Thought-provoking: tedious and hectoring
Haunting: set in the past
Exotic: set abroad
Prize-winning: set in India
Perceptive: set in NW3 [Northwest London, i.e., Hampstead Heath & environs]
Epic: the editor was cowed by writer's reputation
From the pen of a master: same old same old
In the tradition of: shamelessly derivative
Provocative: irritating
Spare and taut: under-researched
Richly detailed: over-researched
Page-turner: You can't wait for it to endThere are some terms that get used with the specific genres --
Fast-paced: It ends too soon
Lengthy: You can't make it through the sagging middle
Excitement/tension/passion builds: Flabby opener
Satisfying conclusion: All excitement/tension/passion dies by the end
Simple yet stylish prose: Written at a third-grade level
Simple yet sensual prose: But don't let your third-graders get their hands on it
Steamy: You might blush while reading it
Scorching: Best read in private or on an e-reader
Erotica: Best read at home and alone
For contemporaries:
Lighthearted: You won't care about the charactersFor historicals:
Enchanting: Unrealistic situations
Hilarious: Characters behave like idiots
Unexpected: Characters have nothing in common
Sweet: No sex
Sensual: They have euphemistic sex
Hot: They have non-euphemistic sex
Unconventional: Would never have happened in real life
Charming: Only historically accurate element is the clothing
Traditional: You've read it all before
Cheerful: No research was done
Serious: A lot of research was done
Painstaking: You'll feel like you're in history class
Tortured past: Hero has an excuse for bad behavior
Madcap: Heroine has an excuse for bad behavior
For paranormals & urban fantasy:
Defies conventions: Vampires or werewolves in name only
Elaborate world building: There is no logic to the story
Compelling subplots: You'll skip over these entirely
Latest in a series: $$$$
Matter of life & death: Everyone survives to appear in the next installment
For suspense and thrillers:
Twists and turns: Plot makes no sense
Explosive revelations: The ending makes no sense
Satisfying conclusion: You predicted the ending from the beginning
Fast-paced: Can't tell what's going on so just keep reading
Solitary: There's a good reason why the hero has no friends
Enigmatic: The hero's backstory makes no sense
Ruthless: In real life, the hero would be in jail. For life.
Dangerous: The hero's as likely to kill the heroine as make love to her
Strong: The heroine is an idiot
Vulnerable: The heroine will do everything necessary to keep herself in jeopardy
Virginal: You bought the thug-as-hero, so you'll buy the virgin-in-her-20s-heroine
Ruthless: In real life, the hero would be in jail. For life.
ReplyDeleteROFL!
Janet W: Loving this! And I'm not tired and emotional whilst saying it ... code to decipher reviews. SO GOOD!
ReplyDeleteStrong: The heroine is an idiot
ReplyDeleteHeeeeee
I write back cover copy for roms, mostly chick lit in its heyday and now contemporaries & women's fiction. I'm going to post this - er - post next to my desk a ref tool for next assignment. ;-)
LOL! Well done!
ReplyDelete*snort* That's awesome. I should try to write a review incorporating these. ;)
ReplyDeleteBrilliant! And all true, sadly.
ReplyDeleteVery clever! (no euphemism here)
ReplyDeleteDiana
Thanks, everyone. I keep thinking of new ones, like
ReplyDeleteHoyden: Heroine has an excuse for 21st century behavior
Rogue: Hero has an excuse for non-aristocratic behavior
Rake: In real life, hero would have an incurable STD
Clearly I'll need to maintain this list. Time to get my IT guy to set up a Crucial Posts widget. Oh, honey...
Well done, Magdalen. This was very funny. (Wrote "hilarious" before I went up and rechecked your meaning for it.)
ReplyDeleteWell played, Magdalen! I'll never read a blurb again without thinking of your list.
ReplyDeleteLOL. Great post! Yikes!
ReplyDeleteHeehee! My favourite is Unconventional.
ReplyDeleteFunny as hell and all too true!
ReplyDeleteAwesome list. I'm sure I'll remember these as I write my own reviews. Well done. - Keishon
ReplyDeleteLOL,Magdalen. Like Kierstan, I know whereof I speak from the inside. Oh, and I do love the first 3 in the English list--dog, dog and kid, dying. Sounds about right.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDelete